You have to laugh, or you'll cry!

If you have ever wondered why you dont see Paul Glen (Glenalmond) on the road very often, its because he seems to spend all day on the net finding me funny clips. Thanks to him for passing these to me, these are GENUINE CCTV clips of drivers who have been stopped suspected of being under the influence of perhaps one too many sherries! I have already checked, none are of our Christmas party!

Clarksonisms!

Our Jeremy, host of BBC1's "TopGear" is one of the driest men on the planet. Here are some of his most classic lines... 

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With lots of jelly."

On the Porsche Cayman S .......There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

On the Porsche Boxster  "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR "There is a four letter word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not 'soot'."
Hammond: "So it's fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no... losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"Some say that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he, long before anyone else, realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs... all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

On the Suzuki Wagon R ...   "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that's what gets you."

"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be like having an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what?... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."

On a Caravanning Trip.... "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

On the Renault Espace ... "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

Mercedes CLS55"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarkson's Highway Code on cyclists.... "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating Nazi.'"

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheelchair access."

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise .... "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson: "Oh no.  Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

On Hammond's crash
Clarkson: "You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel.  But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"You can't have this car with a diesel. Its like saying I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green "During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one."

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car. In the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

On the Porsche Cayenne ... "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Some close calls for pedestrians

Tunnel Vision - Russian style

Motorsports news

An unnamed Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed their decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool. The decision to hire the teenagers was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas the formula 1's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the the Formula 1 management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, the unnamed team now have the advantage over every team. However, Formula 1 may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the ***** Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of W**** R******'s bird in the shower.

What does your car say about you?

Collected from around the net, but I suspect not the image the manufacturers want to create - click on an image to enlarge